I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
