If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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