When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
