So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize