Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
