On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
