I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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