just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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