Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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