The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
