i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
