So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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