I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
