hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
