Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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