so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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