I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
