wrigley field is MILF paradise
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
