He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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