I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize