You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
