oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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