pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
