he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
