walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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