It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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