So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
