This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
