can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize