I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
