Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize