hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
