i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
