we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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