My nipple is on Facebook.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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