I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
