I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There's always time for handjobs
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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