He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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