Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
