I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
