i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
