he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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