her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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