I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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