I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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