I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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