I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
