He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
