so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
