Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i want to swaddle you in tequila
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
