If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
