sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
This house was built for laser tag.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
