when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
