3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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