I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
