Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
