Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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