these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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