By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sober January is a disaster.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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